


The Problem with Patronuses

by vague_ambition



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Angst, Canon Compliant, F/M, First War with Voldemort, Fluff, Fluff and Angst, Hogwarts Era, M/M, Marauders' Era, Post-Prisoner of Azkaban, Time Skips, death mention, rated mature for language so don't get your hopes up for smut
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-06-11
Updated: 2016-06-11
Packaged: 2018-07-14 09:38:07
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,608
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7165853
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/vague_ambition/pseuds/vague_ambition
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Remus Lupin’s life ended and began with a Patronus.</p>
            </blockquote>





	The Problem with Patronuses

Remus Lupin’s life ended and began with a Patronus.

It ended when Sirius sent him a Patronus message. No, that’s not quite what happened. Or at least, it's not specific enough.

A Patronus interrupted Remus Lupin’s pre-date shower and subsequently ruined the life he had built.

It was Halloween, a week and two days after the full moon. It was the best part of the month – the full moon was distant enough in his memory for his wounds to be healed and his senses to feel as human as they ever did, and the next one was far enough away that he could not yet feel its pull under his skin.

He had thought that the full moon in question was the last that he would be able to spend with his friends until the Potters were safer. Moony, Wormtail, Padfoot, and Prongs had Apparated to Hogsmeade and spend their night – a long one, too – roaming the woods, as they had since the beginning of their fifth year at Hogwarts. Even four years out of Hogwarts, Remus missed the comfort and camaraderie of his time there. There, none of his friends were being blown to pieces. There, nobody suspected that –

Well.

He had hugged James, Lily, and Harry goodbye just two days later. Sirius was their Secret Keeper, a role that Remus would have assumed he would play regardless of any suspicions being cast on the other Marauders. He was James’s first friend at Hogwarts, his best man, and Harry’s godfather. It only made sense. Remus had, for the most part, stayed out of the Fidelius Charm processes. He knew his distance made Lily and James feel safer. He knew that, as a werewolf, he was already going to be treated with suspicion. He knew that they thought he could be the spy – he hoped they didn’t actually believe it.

Even if they did, he could understand where they were coming from. But he could never be the spy. The love he felt for his friends overwhelmed him so much that nobody, especially not the Death Eaters, could ever offer anything to counteract it.

He could only hope that eventually, the spy would be found, and Sirius would take him to see their friends. He had vague images of a dinner at the Potters’, with James’s jokes and Lily’s eye-rolling and baby Harry’s infectious giggles.

That never happened. The October 1981 full moon was the last time the Marauders ran together. The spy was found quite quickly, and by the time Remus saw the Godric’s Hollow house where Lily and James had settled, it was too late to ever sit down for dinner. 

It was only a week after he said goodbye to them that Sirius’s Patronus came into his bathroom.

He had been preparing for a date. He and Sirius both had the night off-duty from the Order of the Phoenix – it was a rare enough occurrence that their schedules coincided that they decided to make a night of it in one of the more Order-friendly restaurants in Wizard London. Sirius, the charmer that he was, insisted on picking him up at eight, despite the fact that they lived together.

He and Sirius were – well, not exactly new, but new enough that each date still caused goosebumps. They had been kissing since seventh year, shagging since a year out of Hogwarts, and together, really together, since two years out. He knew Sirius thought he could be the spy, but not enough to move out of the home they had built. He knew that Sirius didn’t trust him with Harry’s life, or wasn’t allowed to trust him with it, but he trusted him with his own. Sirius slept with his wand on a bedside table, not under his pillow. He kissed him in the mornings before leaving to save the world, and whispered “I love you” as they crawled under their duvet covers. Perhaps other people would scoff at the fact that Remus accepted this, the combination of trust and mistrust, but in a war zone, it was more than he could ask for.

And Remus? Remus trusted Sirius. He knew Sirius wasn’t capable of betrayal any more than he himself was. It wasn’t in his nature. And Sirius was the Potters’ Secret-Keeper, so the Potters were safe. This was so obvious to him that once the Potters went into hiding, he didn’t even worry about their safety (much) anymore. He was much more worried about Sirius’s. He had already assumed that the Potters would be okay.

So when Sirius’s distinctly canine Patronus showed up and said “Lily and James are dead,” it took Remus a couple seconds to understand what those words meant. He stared at the shape blankly and then staggered as his knees gave out from under him and he fell to the ground. He dimly registered a crack as he hit the shower floor, but didn’t think much of it until he blacked out.

* * *

 

“Moony? Where are you?”

Remus thought he vaguely heard someone calling his name, but he wanted to keep sleeping.

“Remus? Remus!?” The voice was getting distinctly less quiet and more frantic. Remus attempted to lift his head, but failed entirely. He wasn’t sure why his eyes felt quite so heavy.

Footsteps drew near to him and he felt someone lifting his head. “Shit, shit, shit, fuck,” they swore too loudly. Remus tried to protest the noise, and particularly the voice’s distress, but couldn’t seem to move his mouth. “Remus John Lupin, you wake the fuck up right now or I swear, I will – ” Remus finally managed to open his eyes, squinting at Sirius’s shape above him.

“Hullo,” he forced out, mouth feeling full of cotton balls. Sirius let out a dry sob above him. It was only now that Remus realized that he was shaking.

“You absolute wanker, I thought I lost you too. I get home after not hearing from you and you’re collapsed naked on the floor with the shower still running and your head is fucking bleeding, what the fuck? What happened?” Remus feels his heart break a little bit at the way Sirius’s voice is cracking.

“I fell.” Remus mumbled.

“You fell.” Sirius repeated flatly. Remus tried to nod but then slumped as a wave of dizziness accompanied the motion, his vision briefly blacking out. “Oh, hang on,” Sirius passed his wand over the wound on Remus’s head. “ _Vulnera Sanentuer_ ,” he muttered three times. Remus could feel the skin knit up beneath Sirius’s wand. “C’mon, let’s get you some dry clothes.” He offered his hand, heaving Remus up. It’s only then that Remus became aware of the fact that the water from his shower was still pounding overhead, long gone cold. Sirius shut it off with a flick of his wand and helped Remus into their bedroom, where he pulled a woolly sweater over Remus’s head, despite the latter’s protests. “So why, exactly, did you fall?”

The reason came rushing back to Remus in a burst and he suddenly felt like he was going to collapse all over again.

“Your Patronus – ” he began, not wanting to continue the sentence. “That was a fake, right? Please, Sirius, tell me that was a fake. Lily and James – they’re not – ” Sirius’s silence was all the answer he needed. He raised his eyes to meet Sirius’s.

The other man’s face further twisted the pain in Remus’s chest. The last time Remus had seen that particular expression on his face, he and Sirius had arrived at the Longbottom residence too late to save their school friends from a horrible fate. The time before that, they had been clasping hands at the Prewett brothers' funeral. This time, though, it was a thousand times worse than that. Lily and James. James and Lily. Dead.

“Sirius.” Remus said, suddenly, desperately, looking into his partner’s eyes. “You have to know it wasn’t me. I would never do that to them. I’m not the spy, Sirius. Please.”

“I know.” Sirius’s quiet response stopped Remus’s pleading dead in his tracks. “I know who it is.”

It seemed as if he was about to reveal it when they heard a banging on the front door.

“Sirius Black!” Someone’s voice called out. “You're under arrest by the order of the Ministry of Magic and the Order of the Phoenix!” Remus twisted to look at Sirius, who gaped at him in confusion. Outside, the person at the front door seemed to be performing forced entry spells.

“What did you do? How did they find us? Why is the Order working with the Ministry?” Remus whispered in a burst. Sirius just shook his head, as clueless as Remus was.

“I need to go, Remus. I know where the traitor is, and if I can get him now, nobody else needs to get hurt.” He whispered. “I can’t let them arrest me, no matter what it’s for.” Remus nodded.

“Go.” He urged, without a second thought. “I love you. I’ll see you soon.”

“I’ll explain everything once I’ve got him.” Sirius paused for a moment to press his lips against Remus’s, holding it longer than they had time for. “I love you.” With a crack, he Disapparated.

Those were the last words Sirius Black spoke to Remus Lupin for twelve years.

* * *

 

Remus would often wonder how he didn’t know. He would reflect on that last conversation, wondering if he had just grabbed hold of Sirius, refused to let him Apparate away, if he could have saved Peter or if Sirius would have just killed him and left.

Could Sirius have killed him?

He hadn’t even thought, in that moment, about the fact that Sirius was the only person who could have betrayed James and Lily. He was their Secret Keeper.

Sirius had been so convincing, so absolutely urgent in his need to go catch the spy that Remus hadn’t even questioned him.

Everyone had thought Remus was the spy. Remus would have almost rather been it than find out it was Sirius all along. It would have hurt less.

Something about that last conversation made no sense to Remus. Something about every conversation made no sense to him. He couldn’t fit the image of the scared looking boy who he had kissed in the dormitory after a Quidditch match while everyone was celebrating in the common room with the image of a traitor. He couldn’t see the man who fit his arm around Remus’s waist at Harry’s first birthday party betraying the people he was celebrating. He didn’t understand how Sirius could have faked that heartbroken catch in his throat when he pulled Remus off their shower floor.

Then again, Sirius had fooled them all. He had been a magnificent liar.

Had he even loved Remus, or was it all a lie?

He still fucking loved him, even if he hated what he had done.

* * *

 

Twelve years, many lonely transformations, a year of professing, and one eventful evening later, the same Patronus that had heralded in the end of his life allowed it to begin again.

A much older, much more tired Remus stood in his office, categorizing his books by color as he packed. Voices in his head whispered “ _Just wave your wand, Moony. It’ll be faster”_ and “ _He likes to touch the books, goddamn nerd.”_ They sounded remarkably like James and Sirius.

James and Sirius.

James, whose son was following in his footsteps, goodness shining through him despite every shitty thing that had happened to him. Who deserved to watch Harry grow and succeed and make some magnificent fucking Quidditch plays, but who didn’t get to because of Peter’s cowardice.

Sirius, who hadn’t betrayed James and Lily after all. Sirius, who had kept his sanity and his powers enough to transform in Azkaban. Sirius, who had managed – probably with some help from Harry – to escape last night. Sirius, who was alive and not a liar and did not hate him for believing that he could have betrayed James and Lily and who was out there somewhere in the world.

Remus had to remember how to breathe for a minute as the reality of Sirius – Sirius as he knew him, not a man who would ever betray his friends but one who would break past fucking Dementors in their memory – being alive and (somewhat) well.

It was as he was attempting to not cry, scream, or both out of pure joy that a very familiar Patronus appeared in the midst of his office and said, in Sirius’s deep voice: “ _I’m in London, at my family’s old home. I’ll be here for two days.”_ Remus packed a little faster.

* * *

 

Remus stood in between Number 11 and 13 Grimmauld Place, staring at the lack of house. He had been here once before, but had never set a foot inside. His kind – half-blood and werewolf – would not have been welcome into the most noble House of Black when Sirius’s parents were alive. He half wondered if he would even be welcomed now.

Almost as if his doubt had conjured it, Number 12 began to appear. Once it had properly materialized, the door swung open, and gripping his wand, Remus walked inside. It was horribly dusty and he couldn’t help but blink rapidly as his eyes adjusted – quickly, thanks to the fact that his senses were still heightened from the full moon – and he saw Sirius Black standing in front of him, pressing his index finger to his lips and beckoning him upstairs.

Silently, Remus followed Sirius into his childhood bedroom, where it was clean, well-light and he could finally see his face clearly for the first time since October 31, 1981.

“Remus.” Sirius said, cautiously. They were standing a good three meters apart.

“Sirius.” Remus replied in kind, not knowing what the other man really wanted.

“Moony.” Sirius took a step closer, cocking his head in that way which Remus found both amusingly doglike and incredibly endearing.

“Padfoot.” Remus matched him, feeling weirdly like they were in some wandless duel.

“You came.” Another, smaller, step closer.

“How could I not?”

“Your job?”

“I resigned – Snivellus felt the need to inform students of my furry little problem.”

“Wanker. So you’re free?”

“I have plans once a month, but, yknow.”

They were face to face now, nose to nose. Sirius had always been a little shorter than him.

“I love you.” The words were out of his mouth before he could think about it. Sirius looked taken aback for a moment. He panicked. “I’ve always loved you, Sirius. The past twelve years – even though I thought you betrayed Lily and James, I loved the Sirius I knew. I love the Sirius I see before me. I never understood it, and now I realize I should’ve trusted what I knew.”

“I love you too.” Sirius’s words were like a shock to Remus’s system, cutting his babbling off.

“Even though I suspected you?”

“Even though you suspected me. I never stopped for a minute.” Sirius paused, reaching his hand around Remus’s neck. “I suspected you too, for a while.”

“Never enough to leave.” Remus said, his breath ghosting Sirius’s lips. Sirius let out a bark of laughter, which Remus quickly swallowed by pressing his lips against the other man's.

“Moony, you could have a fucking knife in my heart and I wouldn’t leave you.” Sirius muttered against his lips a minute later.

“That’s unhealthy.”

“So is Azkaban.”

“So is loving someone you think killed your best friends for twelve years.”

“So is dating a werewolf.”

“Are you going to talk, or are you going to kiss me? It's been twelve fucking years.”

There was no talking after that.

 

**Author's Note:**

> I hope you liked this! I might make it part of a series, but no promises. Let me know what you think!


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